Answering Machine Messages

Use these on your answering machine for wacky fun!

Hello, you have reached 987-6543.
Please press one for English, 2 for English, or better yet: call back when you speak English!

Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hello. I am Bill's answering machine. Who or what are you?

Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.

Hello! You are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken.
If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling,
and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy.
We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly.
So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

This is you-know-who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243.
This is an answering machine.
This is the new millennium.
You know what to do.

This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway.

"Hi. Now you say something." 

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?" 

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you." 

"If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." 

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message." 

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." 

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. 

Hi, we have everything we need and we spent all of our money getting it, so if you need money you'd better call someone else.

Hi, you have just contacted outer space, yes, outer space, don't be afraid of what is about to happen to you.  All you have to do is breathe deeply and it will be over in just a few seconds.  WOW, now that didn't hurt did it?

"Would you say something?  I can't read minds."

"Look, I've had a really bad day. Yesterday too.  And tomorrow doesn't look nearly as good.  But, uh, if you want, go ahead and say a few words after the gunshot."

"I'll pick up if you're quick. Times up."

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: ...unless of course, somebody pulls out our plug!
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: And message. Damn.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

(In a bored voice) Heaven, God speaking...

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.

Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...

OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Hey, it's ________
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you

Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.]

Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

Heaven, God speaking...

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?

Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk. (Pause) please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep ........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, ill try to squeeze you in.

hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007 agents if you get this machine we are probably saving the world this tape will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...1... (BEEP)

Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call...OUCH. Leave your painful message after the beep.

Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!) Thanks

Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.

Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?

Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!

Hi, you know the drill.

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you

I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back.
I'm gone.

I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I take a message?

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 2.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Suicide Hotline...please hold.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

You have reached 555-1234. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when your not home.

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. Thanks a lot.

(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep

The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven’t forgotten

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

Twinkle, Twinkle little star,
bet your wondering where we are?
Well, put your mouth up to the phone
And leave us a message for when we get home.
And if you can make your message rhyme,
We’ll call you back in half the time!!!!!

I’m sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can’t take messages either. In fact, it can’t even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren’t ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Richard Bach Quotes

A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit.

Allow the world to live as it chooses, and allow yourself to live as you choose.

An idea is never given to you without you being given the power to make it reality. You must, nevertheless, suffer for it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Ask yourself the secret of YOUR success. Listen to your answer, and practice it.

Avoid problems, and you'll never be the one who overcame them.

Bad things are not the worst things that can happen to us. Nothing is the worst thing that can happen to us!

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?

Civilization... wrecks the planet from seafloor to stratosphere.

Don't be dismayed by good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly.

Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them.

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.

Get this in mind early: We never grow up.

Happiness is the reward we get for living to the highest right we know.

Here is a test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.

I don't want to do business with those who don't make a profit, because they can't give the best service.

I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth it?

If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

In order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.

In order to win, you must expect to win.

In the United States Christmas has become the rape of an idea.

It is by not always thinking of yourself, if you can manage it, that you might somehow be happy. Until you make room in your life for someone as important to you as yourself, you will always be searching and lost.

Learning is finding out what you already know.

Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.

Live never to be ashamed if anything you say or do is published around the world, even if what is said is not true.

Not being known doesn't stop the truth from being true.

Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.

Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.

Strong beliefs win strong men, and then make them stronger.

The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it.

The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

The simplest things are often the truest.

There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.

To bring anything into your life, imagine that it's already there.

To fly as fast as thought, you must begin by knowing that you have already arrived.

You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.

You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

You teach best what you most need to learn.

Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah.

Witty One Liners

43% of all statistics are worthless.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book.
Ah, Paradise!

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A bad plan is better than no plan.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

All in favour of Viagra please rise!

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Be naughty - save Santa the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Consider the following: The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things are Just Better Rich

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Don't believe everything you think.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

Earth first! (we'll strip-mine the other planets later).

Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!

Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

Firefighting is like sex; size, equipment, and technique are all important.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

God is real, unless declared integer

God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame it on you!

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

I like work. It fascinates me.
I can sit and look at it for hours.

I looked up my wife's family tree.
Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

It's men like you that make women gay.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

Life exists for no known purpose.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge

Lord, save me from your followers.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute.

If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Never try to teach a pig to sing.

It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Politicians & diapers both need to be changed often,
and for the same reason!

Research causes cancer in rats.

Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Strangers have the best candy!

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

You're the reason God created the middle finger.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You are so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Books

A book lying idle on a shelf is wasted ammunition.
-- Henry Miller

A best seller was a book which somehow sold well simply because it was selling well.
-- Daniel Boorstin

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy.
-- Edward P. Morgan

A book is a friend; a good book is a good friend. It will talk to you when you want it to talk, and it will keep still when you want it to keep still; and there are not many friends who know enough to do that.
-- B. A. Billingsly

A book is a gift you can open again and again.
-- Garrison Keillor

A book that is shut is but a block.
-- Thomas Fuller

A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
-- Mark Twain

A dirty book is rarely dusty.
-- Author Unknown

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
-- G. K. Chesterton

A house is no home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as for the body.
-- Margaret Fuller

After all manner of professors have done their best for us, the place we are to get knowledge is in books. The true university of these days is a collection of books.
-- Albert Camus

A library, to modify the famous metaphor of Socrates, should be the delivery room for the birth of ideas—a place where history comes to life.

-- Norman Cousins

A library is a hospital for the mind.
-- Anonymous

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-- P. J. O'Rourke

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.
-- Author Unknown

Anyone who has a library and a garden wants for nothing.
-- Cicero

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
-- Benjamin Franklin

A room without books is like a body without a soul.
-- Cicero

A well-composed book is a magic carpet on which we are wafted to a world that we cannot enter in any other way
-- Caroline Gordon

A wonderful thing about a book, in contrast to a computer screen, is that you can take it to bed with you.
-- Daniel J. Boorstein

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

Be as careful of the books you read, as of the company you keep, for your habits and character will be as much influenced by the former as the latter.
-- Paxton Hood

Books are not made for furniture, but there is nothing else that so beautifully furnishes a house.
-- Henry Ward Beecher

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.
-- Charles W. Eliot

Books are Y2K compliant
-- Unknown

Books can be dangerous. The best ones should be labeled: “This could change your life”.
-- Helen Exley

Book lovers will understand me, and they will know too that part of the pleasure of a library lies in its very existence
-- Jan Morris

Books to the ceiling,
Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them! How I need them!
I'll have a long beard by the time I read them.
-- Arnold Lobel

Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Books - the best antidote against the marsh-gas of boredom and vacuity.
-- George Steiner

Except a living man there is nothing more wonderful than a book! A message to us from the dead, - from human souls whom we never saw, who lived perhaps thousands of miles away; and yet these, on those little sheets of paper, speak to us, teach us, comfort us, open their hearts to us as brothers.
-- Charles Kingsley

Far more seemly were it for thee to have thy study full of books, than thy purse full of money.
-- John Lyly

Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so lightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners.
-- Virginia Woolf

For me it is sufficient to have a corner by my hearth, a book and a friend, and a nap undisturbed by creditors or grief.
-- Fernandez de Andrada

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
-- Mark Twain

Good as it is to inherit a library, it is better to collect one.
-- Augustine Birrell

I can tell you, honest friend, what to believe: believe life; it teaches better than book or orator.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I divide all readers into two classes; those who read to remember and those who read to forget.
-- William Lyon Phelps

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out in a war fought with the atomic bomb. Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the Earth might be killed, but enough men capable of thinking, and enough books, would be left to start again, and civilization could be restored.
-- Albert Einstein

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx

I had just taken to reading. I had just discovered the art of leaving my body to sit impassive in a crumpled up attitude in a chair or sofa, while I wandered over the hills and far away in novel company and new scenes... My world began to expand very rapidly... the reading habit had got me securely.
-- H. G. Wells

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.
-- Jorge Luis Borges

I have a real soft spot in my heart for librarians and people who care about books.
-- Ann Richards

I've traveled the world twice over,
Met the famous; saints and sinners,
Poets and artists, kings and queens,
Old stars and hopeful beginners,
I've been where no-one's been before,
Learned secrets from writers and cooks
All with one library ticket
To the wonderful world of books.
-- Unknown

I love to lose myself in other men's minds.... Books think for me.

-- Charles Lamb

I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker, or a gunfighter, Mr. O'Connell, but I am proud of what I am...I, am a librarian!!

-- From the movie, The Mummy

If a book is really good, it deserves to be read again, and if it's great, it should be read at least three times.

In the case of good books, the point is not how many of them you can get through, but rather how many can get through to you.
-- Mortimer Adler

It is books that are a key to the wide world; if you can't do anything else, read all that you can.
-- Jane Hamilton

It often requires more courage to read some books than it does to fight a battle.
-- Sutton Elbert Griggs

Many books require no thought from those who read them, and for a very simple reason; they made no such demand upon those who wrote them.
-- Charles Caleb Colton

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.
-- Edith Sitwell

Never judge a book by its movie.
-- J. W. Eagan

No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting.
-- Mary Wortley Montagu

No man can be called friendless who has God and the companionship of good books.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
-- Richard Steele

Reading well is one of the great pleasures that solitude can afford you.
-- Harold Bloom

Readers are plentiful, thinkers are rare.
-- Harriet Martineau

Readers may be divided into four classes:
1.) Sponges, who absorb all that they read and return it in nearly the same state, only a little dirtied.
2.) Sand-glasses, who retain nothing and are content to get through a book for the sake of getting through the time.
3.) Strain-bags, who retain merely the dregs of what they read.
4.) Mogul diamonds, equally rare and valuable, who profit by what they read, and enable others to profit by it also.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few are to be chewed and digested.
-- Francis Bacon

Some books leave us free and some books make us free.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tell me what you read and I'll tell you who you are is true enough, but I'd know you better if you told me what you reread.
-- François Mauriac

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.
-- Moses Hadas

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker

This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

The book to read is not the one which thinks for you, but the one which makes you think.
-- James McCosh

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
-- Mark Twain

The mere brute pleasure of reading - the sort of pleasure a cow must have in grazing.
-- Lord Chesterfield

The more that you read,
the more things you will know.
The more that you learn,
the more places you'll go.
-- Dr. Seuss

The pleasure of all reading is doubled when one lives with another who shares the same books.
-- Katharine Mansfield

The time to read is any time: no apparatus, no appointment of time and place, is necessary. It is the only art which can be practiced at any hour of the day or night, whenever the time and inclination comes, that is your time for reading; in joy or sorrow, health or illness.
-- Holbrook Jackson

The wise man reads both books and life itself.
-- Lin Yutang

The worth of a book is to be measured by what you can carry away from it.
-- James Bryce

There are times when I think that the ideal library is composed solely of reference books. They are like understanding friends-always ready to meet your mood, always ready to change the subject when you have had enough of this or that.
-- Donald J. Adams

There are two motives for reading a book: one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
-- Bertrand Russell

There is a great deal of difference between an eager man who wants to read a book and a tired man who wants a book to read.
-- G.K. Chesterton

There is a wonder in reading Braille that the sighted will never know: to touch words and have them touch you back.
-- Jim Fiebig

There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house.
-- Joe Ryan

There is no remedy so easy as books, which if they do not give cheerfulness, at least restore quiet to the most troubled mind.
-- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

To read a book for the first time is to make an acquaintance with a new friend; to read it for a second time is to meet an old one.
-- Chinese Saying

To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting.
-- Edmund Burke

TV. If kids are entertained by two letters, imagine the fun they'll have with twenty-six. Open your child's imagination. Open a book.
-- Author Unknown

Wear the old coat and buy the new book.
-- Austin Phelps

What can I say? Librarians rule.
-- Regis Philbin

What's a book?
Everything or nothing.
The eye that sees it all.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I step into this library, I cannot understand why I ever step out of it.
-- Marie de Sevigne

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?
-- Henry Ward Beecher

You can cover a great deal of country in books.
-- Andrew Lang

You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend.
-- Paul

General Quotes

A bone to the dog is not charity.
Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.
- Jack London

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
-- Granville Hicks

A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong.
-- Thomas Szasz

A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an indication a person is prepared for life.
-- Reverend Edward A. Malloy

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
-- John Gaule

A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
-- Caskie Stinnett

A full cup must be carried steadily.
-- English Proverb

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.
-- Katharine Whitehorn

A good hockey player plays where the puck is.
A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be.
-- Wayne Gretzky

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together.
It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
-- Dave Meurer

A man should not leave this earth with unfinished business.
He should live each day as if it was a pre-flight check.
He should ask each morning, am I prepared to lift-off?
-- Diane Frolov & Andrew Schneider

A moment's insight is sometimes worth a lifetime's experience.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry & by common hatred of its neighbors.
-- William Ralph Inge

A signature always reveals a man's character - & sometimes even his name.
-- Evan Esar

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
-- John Ciardi

Acceptance is such an important commodity, some have called it "the first law of personal growth."
-- Peter McWilliams

Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation.
Then deciding what you're going to do about it.
-- Kathleen Casey Theisen

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
-- Stephen Leacock

After all it is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life.
-- Evelyn Underhill

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
-- Peter da Silva

Age does not protect you from love.
But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
--Jeanne Moreau

Age is no guarantee of maturity.
-- Lawana Blackwell

Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones
who will be writing about you.
-- Cyril Connolly

Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.
-- Jacob Braude

Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.
-- Max L. Forman

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
-- Robert Heinlein

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.
-- George Orwell

All appears to change when we change.
-- Henri-Frédéric Amiel

All people want is someone to listen.
-- Hugh Elliott

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
-- Chuck Palahniuk

An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth.
-- Bonnie Friedman

Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it.
-- Anonymous

Art is science made clear.
-- Jean Cocteau

Architecture is the art of how to waste space.
-- Philip Johnson

As a manager the important thing is not what happens when you are there,
but what happens when you are not there.
-- Ken Blanchard

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.
-- Henry Winkler


At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.
-- P. G. Wodehouse

Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.
-- Ralph Charell

Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.
-- Dan McKinnon

Beware of the man who won't be bothered with details.
-- William Feather

Be a fountain, not a drain.
-- Rex Hudler

Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.
-- Frank Tyger

Be bold and mighty powers will come to your aid.
-- Basil King

Be kind - Remember every one you meet is fighting a battle - everybody's lonesome.
-- Marion Parker

Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.
-- Robert Service

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-- Dr. Seuss

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.
-- Bertolt Brecht

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
-- Albert Einstein


Better to rely on one powerful king than on many little princes.
-- Jean de La Fontaine

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-- Mae West

Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
-- Princess Elizabeth Asquith Bibesco

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.
-- Oprah Winfrey

But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time.
-- Mitch Albom

But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
-- Benjamin Franklin

But what is the difference between literature and journalism?
...Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.
-- Oscar Wilde


By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right,
he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

By health I mean the power to live a full, adult, living, breathing life in close contact with... the earth and the wonders thereof - the sea - the sun.
-- Katherine Mansfield

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
-- Jeff Valdez

Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new center of gravity.
Don't fight them. Just find a different way to stand.
-- Oprah Winfrey

Chose your love in life.
Love you choice in life.

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.
-- Herb Caen

Come to the edge
No, we will fall
Come to the edge
No, we will fall
They came to the edge
He pushed them, & they flew.

Confusion is always the most honest response.
-- Marty Indik

Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.
-- Arnold Palmer

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.
-- Scott Adams

Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.
-- A. Sachs

Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works.
-- Steve Jobs

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
-- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason
and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."
-- Buddha

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-- Mark Twain

Don’t dismiss a good idea simply because you don’t like the source.

Don't get yourself arrested and make your day worse!
If you need to vent, just smash something that's already broken!
You can't get in trouble for wrecking the unsalvageable!
-- R. Stevens

Don't reserve your best behavior for special occasions.
You can't have two sets of manners, two social codes - one for those you admire and want to impress, another for those whom you consider unimportant.
You must be the same to all people.
-- Lillian Eichler Watson

Don't rule out working with your hands.
It does not preclude using your head.
-- Andy Rooney

Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats.
-- Howard Aiken

Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't.
-- Brett Butler

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
-- William Dement


Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
--Al Boliska

Diplomacy is the art of knowing what not to say.
--Matthew Trump

Don’t be a fool & die for your country.
Let the other sonofabitch die for his.
--George S. Patton

Don't fall before you're pushed.
--English Proverb


Don't worry about people stealing an idea.

Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it.
-- Henry David Thoreau

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
-- Unknown

Eat a third and drink a third and leave the remaining third of your stomach empty.
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.
-- Adelle Davis

Enthusiasm is the great hill-climber.
--Elbert Hubbard

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
-- Clarence Darrow

Even on the highest throne in the world, we are still sitting on our ass.
-- Michel de Montaigne

Every English poet should master the rules of grammar before he attempts to bend or break them.
-- Robert Graves


Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied.
-- Pearl Buck

Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer

Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.-- Henry Miller

Every time you spend money, you're casting a vote for the kind of world you want.
-- Anna Lappe

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians.
-- Jimmy Wales

Everybody has difficult years,
but a lot of times the difficult years end up being the greatest years of your whole entire life,
if you survive them.
--Brittany Murphy

Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.
-- Peter de Vries

Everyone has a purpose in life.
Perhaps yours is watching television.
--David Letterman

Everything is connected... no one thing can change by itself.
-- Paul Hawken

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
-- Carl Jung

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler.
-- Albert Einstein

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
-- Steven Wright

Examine what is said, not him who speaks.
-- Arab Proverb

Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes.
-- James A. Froude

Fear does not have any special power unless you empower it by submitting to it.
-- Les Brown

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
-- P. J. O'Rourke

First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.
-- Epictetus

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
-- Doctor Who

First weigh the considerations, then take the risks.
-- Helmuth von Moltke

For all their strength, men were sometimes like little children.
-- Lawana Blackwell

For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.
--Aristotle

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson

For visions come not to polluted eyes.
-- Mary Howitt

Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself.
-- Ausonius

Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives.
-- Lawana Blackwell

Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.
-- Scott Adams

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
-- Frank Dane

Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent.
-- Sophia Loren

Give me where to stand, & I will move the earth.
--Archimedes

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
--Voltaire

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.
-- Anonymous

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
-- Jacques Deval

God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, & Friday,
& the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, & Saturday.
--Sir William Bragg

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
-- Jay Leno

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
-- Jimmy Demaret

Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
-- Mark Twain

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
-- George Saunders, last words

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.|
-- Fran Lebowitz

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
-- Mark Twain

Grow old along with me!
For the best is yet to be,
the last of life for which the first was made.
-- Robert Browning

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves,
& it is tiresome for children to be always & forever explaining things to them.
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window,
except that the birds might eat them.
--Dr. Martin Henry Fischer

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half.
-- John Wanamaker

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
-- Albert Schweitzer

Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook and a good digestion.
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau

Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
--Dick Clark

Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.
-- Arnold Bennett

He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
-- Koran

He who receives a benefit should never forget it; he who bestow should never remember it.
-- Pierre Charron

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
-- David Frost

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
-- Jay Leno

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
-- Sir Winston Churchill

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
-- Leo Tolstoy

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby

Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth.

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth.

Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
-- Joan Lunden

I always wanted a happy ending...
Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end.

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious ambiguity.
-- Gilda Radner

I am an old man, but in many senses a very young man.
And this is what I want you to be, young, young all your life.
-- Pablo Casals

I am just going outside and may be some time.
-- Captain Lawrence Oates, last words

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
--E E Cummings

I am more and more convinced that our happiness or unhappiness depends more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves.
-- Alexander Humboldt

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
-- Thomas Jefferson

I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.
-- Fritz Perls

I am not young enough to know everything.
--Oscar Wilde

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
-- George Carlin

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.
That's deep enough.
What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

I’m still an atheist, thank God.
--Luis Bunuel

I am who I choose to be. I always have been what I chose…though not always what I pleased.
-- Lois McMaster Bujold

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge.
-- Edward Chilton

I believe that [everyone] is the keeper of a dream - and by tuning into one another's secret hopes, we can become better friends, better partners, better parents, and better lovers.

-- Oprah Winfrey

I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
--Arthur Hays Sulzberger

I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible.
-- Oscar Wilde

I can resist anything but temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde

I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure.
-- John D. Rockefeller

I celebrate myself, and sing myself.
-- Walt Whitman

I consider being ill as one of the great pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill.
-- Samuel Butler

I could prove God statistically.
-- George Gallup

I catnap now & then, but I think while I nap, so it’s not a waste of time.
--Martha Stewart

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
-- Stephen Leacock

I don't even butter my bread.
I consider that cooking.
--Katherine Cebrian

I don't hire people who have to be told to be nice. I hire nice people.
-- Leona Helmsly

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like;
and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

I don't generally feel anything until noon; then it's time for my nap.
--Bob Hope

I don't mind what Congress does,
as long as they don't do it in the streets & frighten the horses.
--Victor Hugo

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
-- Marshall McLuhan

I don't think of the past.
The only thing that matters is the everlasting present.
--W. Somerset Maugham

I don't think about risks much. I just do what I want to do. If you gotta go, you gotta go.
-- Lillian Carter

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
--Samuel Goldwyn

I dream, therefore I become.
-- Cheryl Renée Grossman

I feel about airplaines the way I feel about diets.
It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
-- Jean Kerr

I feel like a tiny bird with a big song!
-- Jerry Van Amerongen

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
-- Rita Mae Brown

I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room & read a book.
--Groucho Marx

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
-- Joseph Baretti

I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents.
-- Sir Winston Churchill

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
-- Artemus Ward

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.
-- Voltaire

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
-- Garry Shandling

I have the consolation of having added nothing to my private fortune during my public service, and of retiring with hands clean as they are empty.
-- Thomas Jefferson

I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry.
-- Maxine Waters

I have an existential map.
It has 'You are here' written all over it.
--Steven Wright

I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
-- Babe Ruth

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
--E. V. Lucas

I have a simple philosophy.
Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
And scratch where it itches.
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
--Rodney Dangerfield

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
-- Georges Duhamel

I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.
-- Goldie Hawn

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
-- Confucius

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Noel Coward

I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
--August Strindberg

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
-- Peter De Vries

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-- Rita Rudner

I love acting. It is so much more real than life.
-- Oscar Wilde

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adams

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
-- Douglas Adams

I must govern the clock, not be governed by it.
-- Golda Meir

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
-- George Bernard Shaw

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking.
He called me a quitter.
-- Steven Pearl

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
-- Robert Orben

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
--Tom Stoppard

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
--Ogden Nash

I think that little by little I'll be able to solve my problems and survive.
-- Frida Kahlo

I think we ought always to entertain our opinions with some measure of doubt.
I shouldn't wish people dogmatically to believe any philosophy, not even mine.
-- Bertrand Russell

I think wholeness comes from living your life consciously during the day and then exploring your inner life or unconscious at night.
-- Margery Cuyler

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason that he has to suffer for it.
-- G. K. Chesterton

I used to think of all the billions of people in the world, and of all those people, how was I going to meet the right ones?

The right ones to be my friends, the right one to be my husband. Now I just believe you meet the people you're supposed to meet.
-- Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
-- Og Mandino

If a problem has no solution, it may not be a problem, but a fact - not to be solved, but to be coped with over time.
-- Shimon Peres

If I knew I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
--Mickey Mantle

If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats.
-- Howard Aiken

If life is hard for you, try to make it easier for someone else.

If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time.
-- Edith Wharton

If people never did silly things; nothing intelligent would ever get done.
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein

If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much.
-- Donald H. Rumsfeld

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
-- Albert Einstein

If you're trying to take a roomful of people by surprise, it's a lot easier to hit your targets if you don't yell going through the door.
-- Lois McMaster Bujold

If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.
-- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
-- Japanese Proverb

If you bow at all, bow low.
-- Chinese Proverb

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
-- Frank A. Clark

If you can't be funny, be interesting.
-- Harold Ross

If you don't risk anything you risk even more.
-- Erica Jong

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it!
-- Jonathan Winters

If you want to catch something, running after it isn't always the best way.
-- Lois McMaster Bujold

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker

If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others.
-- Tryon Edwards

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.
-- Professor Irwin Corey

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
-- Vince Lombardi

If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things.
--Norman Douglas

If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple
to understand it.
-- Emerson Pugh

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
--Jay Leno

If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much.
-- Donald H. Rumsfeld

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain

If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, the other person still owns that gift. The same is true of insults and verbal attacks.
-- Steve Pavlina

If you treat people right they will treat you right - ninety percent of the time.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others.
-- Tryon Edwards

If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves.
-- Maria Edgeworth

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
-- Albert Camus

In the modern world of business, it is useless to be a creative original thinker unless you can also sell what you create. Management cannot be expected to recognize a good idea unless it is presented to them by a good salesman.
-- David M. Ogilvy

Is there life before death?
-- Graffito

It has all been very interesting.
-- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, last words, 1762

It’s all right to have butterflies in your stomach.
Just get them to fly in formation.
-- Dr. Rob Gilbert

It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them.
-- Dame Rose Macaulay

It's a sad day when you find out that it's not accident or time or fortune, but just yourself that kept things from you.
-- Lillian Hellman

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.
-- Garrison Keillor

It is an interesting question how far men would retain their relative rank if they were divested of their clothes.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
-- Mark Twain

It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.
-- Jackie Joyner-Kersee

It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.
-- George Washington

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.
-- Samuel Johnson

It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.
--Al Franken

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
-- William G. McAdoo

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
-- Jerome K. Jerome

It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously.
-- Peter Ustinov

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.
-- Eugene McCarthy

It is fun to be in the same decade with you.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt, in a letter to Winston Churchill

It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority.
By definition, there are already enough people to do that.
-- G. H. Hardy

It is no profit to have learned well, if you neglect to do well.
-- Publilius Syrus

It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

It's a lot like nature.
You only have as many animals as the ecosystem can support and you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of.
-- Randy K. Milholland

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
-- Charles Darwin

It is not enough to succeed.
Others must fail.
--Gore Vidal

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.
-- Sam Ewing

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
-- Margaret Bonnano

It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
You have things to do and you want to move on.
-- Real Live Preacher

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.
--W. Somerset Maugham

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'
-- Sam Levenson

Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it.
I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.
-- Charles F. Kettering

Keep your broken arm inside your sleeve.
-- Chinese Proverb

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
-- Jules Renard

Learn as much by writing as by reading.
-- Lord Acton

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense & aggravation later in life.
-- Robert Byrne

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
-- Judith Martin

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
-- Mark Twain

Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.
-- Danny Kaye

Life is just one damned thing after another.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
-- Truman Capote

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
-- William Goldman

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
-- Anonymous

Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible - not to have run away.
-- Dag Hammarskjold

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
--Anonymous

Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
--Saint Augustine

Make all you can, save all you can, give all you can.
-- John Wesley

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in.
-- Katherine Mansfield

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Millions of words are written annually purporting to tell how to beat the races, whereas the best possible advice on the subject is found in the three monosyllables: 'Do not try.'
-- Dan Parker

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
-- Samuel Butler

Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
-- Thomas Fuller

Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
--Spike Milligan

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
-- Leo Rosten

Men are born with two eyes, but only one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.
-- Charles Caleb Colton

Men who never get carried away should be.
-- Malcolm Forbes

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
-- Margaret Millar

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley

Music is the shorthand of emotion.

Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence.
-- Robert Fripp

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.
-- G. K. Chesterton

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit.

He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.
-- Indira Gandhi

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy.
I can't figure it out.
What am I doing right?
-- Charles M. Schulz

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein

My toughest fight was with my first wife.
-- Muhammad Ali

Never answer a critic, unless he's right.
-- Bernard M. Baruch

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
-- Johnny Carson

Never despair; but if you do, work on in despair.
-- Edmund Burke

Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Never fight an inanimate object.
-- P. J. O'Rourke

Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
-- Henry Ward Beecher

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
--Napoleon Bonaparte

Never tell anyone that you're: writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death.
-- Lynn Johnston

Never tell a man you can read him through and through; most people prefer to be thought enigmas.
-- Marchioness Townsend

Never trust a second thought.
Where there is two there is three.
You will end up thinking forever.
--Words of Richard Fish of Ally McBeal

Newspapermen learn to call a murderer 'an alleged murderer'
& the King of England 'the alleged King of England' to avoid libel suits.
--Stephen Leacock

No human thing is of serious importance.
-- Plato

No matter how much you disagree with your kin, if you are a thoroughbred you will not discuss their shortcomings with the neighbors.
-- Tom Thompson

No matter how advanced your camera you still need to be responsible for getting it to the right place at the right time and pointing it in the right direction to get the photo you want.
-- Ken Rockwell

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
-- William Jennings Bryan

No opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.
-- W. H. Auden

No wise man ever wished to be younger.
-- Jonathan Swift

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
-- Albert Einstein

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-- A. H. Weiler

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.
-- Charlie Chaplin

Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.
-- Rodin

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.
-- Lichty and Wagner

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man.
-- Leon Trotsky

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
-- Will Rogers

One must be poor to know the luxury of giving.
-- George Eliot

One must desire something to be alive.
-- Margaret Deland

One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done.
-- Marie Curie

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
-- Nancy Astor

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
-- A. A. Milne

One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.
-- Josh Billings

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant

One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

One person with a belief is equal to a force of 99 who have only interests.
-- John Stuart Mill

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
-- Nancy Astor

One single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer.
-- G. E. Lessing

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
-- Oscar Wilde

One should count each day a separate life.
-- Seneca

One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. When you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Once in a while you have to take a break and visit yourself.
-- Audrey Giorgi

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
-- Jean Giraudoux

Our bodies communicate to us clearly and specifically, if we are willing to listen to them.
-- Shakti Gawain

Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.
-- H. Mumford Jones

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
-- Martin Luther King Jr.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
-- Martin Luther King Jr.

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
--Pablo Picasso

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now... only much, much better.
-- Laurie Anderson

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
-- Isaac Asimov

People ask for criticism, but they only want praise.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

People have one thing in common.
They are all different.

People like you,
Make people like me,
‘Like’ people like you.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
-- David H. Comins

People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly.
-- Brendan Francis

People who are always making allowances for themselves soon go bankrupt.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
--Bob Hope

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
-- Ogden Nash

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
-- Nikita Khrushchev

Politics is not a bad profession.
If you succeed there are many rewards,
if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
--Ronald Reagan

Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.
-- Madonna

Pray as if everything depended upon God and work as if everything depended upon man.
-- Francis Cardinal Spellman

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
-- Robert Heinlein

Promote yourself, but do not demote another.
-- Israel Salanter

Quarrel not at all. No man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
-- Robert Orben

Real strength is not just a condition of one's muscle, but a tenderness in one's spirit.
-- McCallister Dodds

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
-- Sidney J. Harris

Regret for wasted time is more wasted time.
-- Mason Cooley

Respect a man, he will do the more.
-- James Howell

Set all things in their own peculiar place, and know that order is the greatest grace.
-- John Dryden

Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results.
I know several thousand things that won't work.
-- Thomas A. Edison

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments,
you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- H. L. Mencken

Silence is a text easy to misread.
-- A. A. Attanasio

So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work.
-- Peter Drucker

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
--T. S. Eliot

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go... And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.
-- Gloria Naylor

Sometimes I lie awake at night, & I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--Charles M. Schulz

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.
-- Sylvia Robinson

Sometimes a good exit is all you can ask for.
-- Sean Stewart

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin

Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where it often substitutes for both.
-- John Andrew Holmes

Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at.
-- Carlos A. Urbizo

Strive for excellence, not perfection.
-- H. Jackson Brown Jr

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees,
then names the streets after them.
--Bill Vaughan

Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.
-- Maya Angelou

Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal.
-- Mike Ditka

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
-- Ken Kesey

Tears may be dried up, but the heart - never.
-- Marguerite de Valois

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
-- Ann Landers

That's the thing with suicide pacts. Sometimes they only really work if they catch you by surprise.
-- Randy K. Milholland

The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living one degree below your means.
-- Sir Henry Taylor

he average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
-- Anatole France

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
-- Dudley Moore

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
-- Samuel Butler

The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp.
-- John Berry

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
-- Harriet Beecher Stowe

The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people.
The hardest is with one.
-- Joan Baez

The easiest thing in the world to be is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position.
-- Leo Buscaglia

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
-- George Bernard Shaw

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
-- P. G. Wodehouse

The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful.

And very shortly you discover that there is no reason.
-- John Cage

The fragrance always remains in the hand that gives the rose.
-- Heda Bejar

The game of life is the game of boomerangs.
Our thoughts, deeds & words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy.
-- Florence Shinn

The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence.
Fences have nothing to do with it.
The grass is greenest where it is watered.
When crossing over fences, carry water with you & tend the grass wherever you may be.
-- Robert Fulghum

The great French Marshall Lyautey once asked his gardener to plant a tree.
The gardener objected that the tree was slow growing and would not reach maturity for 100 years.
The Marshall replied, 'In that case, there is no time to lose; plant it this afternoon!'
-- John F. Kennedy

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been.
-- Madeleine L'Engle

The gods too are fond of a joke.
-- Aristotle

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-- Alfred Lord Tennyson

The man who has nothing to boast of but his illustrious ancestry is like the potato - the best part under ground.

The minute one utters a certainty, the opposite comes to mind.
-- May Sarton

The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards.
-- Arthur Koestler

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum

he only good ideas are the ones I can take credit for.
-- R. Stevens

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
-- Oscar Levant

The only thing I like about rich people is their money.
-- Nancy Astor

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
-- Will Rogers

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.
-- B. F. Skinner

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
-- Doris Day

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-- Robert Frost

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.
-- Fyodor Dostoevsky

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
-- Ralph W. Sockman

The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught.
-- Marquis de Vauvenargues

The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.
-- John F. Kennedy

The time to relax is -- when you don't have time for it.
-- Sidney J. Harris

The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing.
-- Henry S. Haskins

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
-- Bertrand Russell

The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.
-- Lady Bird Johnson

The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.
-- Ivy Baker Priest

The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going.
-- David Starr Jordan

The world tolerates conceit from those who are successful, but not from anybody else.
-- John Blake

There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science.
-- Louis Pasteur

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.
-- Cyril Connolly

There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers.
--Saint Theresa of Jesus

There are people who think that everything one does with a serious face is sensible.
-- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.
-- James Thurber

There are two types of people—
those who come into a room & say, ‘Well, here I am!’
and those who come in & say, ‘Ah, there you are.’
-- Frederick L Collins

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.
-- Bertrand Russell

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
-- George Santayana

There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.
-- Albert Camus

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
-- Mary Wilson Little

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
-- Doctor Who

There is no shortage of good days.
It is good lives that are hard to come by.
--Annie Dillard

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
-- Josh Billings

There's so much love & beauty in world,
& someone has to balance that shit out.
--Randy K. Milholland

There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.
-- Celia Thaxter

There will be a time when loud-mouthed, incompetent people seem to be getting the best of you.

When that happens, you only have to be patient and wait for them to self-destruct. It never fails.
-- Richard Rybolt

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.
-- Emily Dickinson

This art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men.
-- Captain J. A. Hadfield

Those that think it permissible to tell white lies soon grow color blind.
-- Austin O'Malley

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
-- Norm Papernick

Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything.
-- Henri Poincare

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
--Jean-Paul Sartre

To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.
--Joan Klempner

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
-- Elbert Hubbard

To find a fault is easy; to do better may be difficult.
-- Plutarch

To gain that which is worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else.
-- Burnadette Devlin

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
-- Chinese Proverb

Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Train yourself to let go of the things you fear to lose.
-- George Lucas

Travel only with thy equals or thy betters; if there are none, travel alone.
-- The Dhammapada

Trouble is part of your life, & if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
--Dinah Shore

Trust in God, but lock your car.

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.
-- Ben Hecht

Two roads diverged in a wood, and
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-- Robert Frost

Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right.
-- H. L. Mencken

Underpromise; overdeliver.
-- Tom Peters

Use soft words and hard arguments.
-- English Proverb

Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.
--Persian Proverb

Wait until it is night before saying that it has been a fine day.
-- French Proverb

War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
--Georges Clemenceau

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.
-- Bertha Calloway

We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words.
-- Anna Sewell

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer

We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.
-- Jane Austen

"We've all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it's more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors."
~ Norman Vincent Peale

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
-- William Shakespeare

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
-- Joseph Campbell

We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We should conduct ourselves not as if we ought to live for the body, but as if we could not live without it.
-- Seneca

We think in generalities, but we live in detail.
-- Alfred North Whitehead

We turn not older with years, but newer every day.
-- Emily Dickinson

What's money?A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
-- Bob Dylan

What we become depends on what we read after all of the professors have finished with us.

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.
-- George Bernard Shaw

When god solves your problems, you have faith in his abilities.
When he doesn't, it means he has faith in your abilities...

Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, 'Certainly I can!'
Then get busy and find out how to do it.
-- Theodore Roosevelt

When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
--Oscar Wilde

When the water reaches the upper level, follow the rats.
-- Claude Swanson

When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
-- William Wrigley Jr.

When there is no peril in the fight there is no glory in the triumph.
-- Pierre Corneille

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
-- Mark Twain

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
-- Marquis de la Grange

When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business.
-- Lenny Bruce

When you are not practicing, remember, someone somewhere is practicing,
and when you meet him he will win.
-- Ed Macauley

When you appeal to force, there's one thing you must never do - lose.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower

When you can't have what you want, it's time to start wanting what you have.
-- Kathleen A. Sutton

When you drink the water, remember the spring.
-- Chinese Proverb

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice,

ignore them both.
--Al Franken

When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them,
but bend them with gentleness and time.
-- Saint Francis de Sales

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

When you have a dream you've got to grab it and never let go.
-- Carol Burnett

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
-- Stanislaw J. Lec

When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others.
-- Anais Nin

When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things.
-- Real Live Preacher

When you strike at a king, you must kill him.

Where facts are few, experts are many.
-- Donald R. Gannon

While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates.
You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it.
-- Samuel Johnson

While one person hesitates because he feels inferior,
the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.
-- Henry C. Link

Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it.
-- Dianne Feinstein

With the gift of listening comes the gift of healing.
-- Catherine de Hueck

Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard.
-- Daphne du Maurier

You've got to be original, because if you're like someone else, what do they need you for ?
-- Bernadette Peters

You have to be careful who you let define your good.
-- Lois McMaster Bujold

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
-- Stanislaw J. Lec

You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
-- Abraham Lincoln

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
-- George Burns

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
-- Dave Barry

You may delay, but time will not.
-- Benjamin Franklin

You don’t need to win every medal to be successful.
-- Jason Fried

You can't just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them.
By the time you get it built, they'll want something new.
-- Steve Jobs

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
-- Robin Williams

You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.
-- Zig Ziglar

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty.
-- Cecil Baxter

You can't choose the ways in which you'll be tested.
-- Robert J. Sawyer

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-- Mark Twain

Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels.
But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.
-- J. K. Rowling

You know that children are growing up
when they start asking questions that have answers.
-- John J. Plomp