Witty One Liners

43% of all statistics are worthless.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book.
Ah, Paradise!

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A bad plan is better than no plan.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

All in favour of Viagra please rise!

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Be naughty - save Santa the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Consider the following: The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things are Just Better Rich

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Don't believe everything you think.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

Earth first! (we'll strip-mine the other planets later).

Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!

Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

Firefighting is like sex; size, equipment, and technique are all important.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

God is real, unless declared integer

God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame it on you!

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

I like work. It fascinates me.
I can sit and look at it for hours.

I looked up my wife's family tree.
Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

It's men like you that make women gay.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

Life exists for no known purpose.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge

Lord, save me from your followers.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute.

If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Never try to teach a pig to sing.

It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Politicians & diapers both need to be changed often,
and for the same reason!

Research causes cancer in rats.

Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Strangers have the best candy!

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

You're the reason God created the middle finger.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You are so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.