Woody Allen Quotes

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-- Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature.
I'd be at home in the bath & she'd come in & sink my boats.
-- Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-- Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely.
Drama is like a plate of meat & potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
-- Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
-- Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
-- Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-- Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
-- Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-- Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us.
Unfortunately, it's the government.
-- Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
-- Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me.
They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
-- Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it through not dying.
-- Woody Allen

I had a terrible education.
I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
-- Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes.
I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
-- Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles.
He had a great idea for a new triangle!
-- Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
-- Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
It involves Russia.
-- Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
-- Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over.
I was either in love or I had smallpox.
-- Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam;
I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-- Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters.
I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
-- Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
-- Woody Allen

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
-- Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

-- Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch.
My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
-- Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
-- Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
-- Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign!
Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
-- Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
-- Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
-- Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
-- Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
-- Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.
The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
-- Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
-- Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
-- Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
-- Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
-- Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-- Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun.
The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
-- Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
-- Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
-- Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
-- Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
-- Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
-- Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
-- Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death.
Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
-- Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
-- Woody Allen

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
-- Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
-- Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-- Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
-- Woody Allen